I haven't posted an entry in a couple of weeks. I came back to livejournal today, and read all of my entries. It's amazing to read all the stuff I encountered daily, I have forgoteen about. It makes life seem that much more meaningful when I have more pages of reality to look back at. It does scare me to know that time fleets, and that my life has remained remotely the same as it has been since last year. Somethings have changed.
Here's an update.
MY mom was working at a Job near where I work. She worked the same hours as me. She worked there until she was fired just three days ago. That was great. With that job she was able to pay rent, on her own, and her car loan. Her car is a red mini-van. Now she has plans to start her own business. I would root for her, but I doubt this idea will flourish.
MY car was not wokring for two weeks, which sucked. Not it works. There is something wrong with the gas line that I need to fix.
Maybe I will post more in the future. I really don't like writing anymore. I've given up on many of my outlets, and am just a fish here.
I had to unstock the pet shelfs before leaving work. That took awhile. While in the truck, I just pushed freight down the belt, because Big Bob was in there, bitching like a saint bernad with no wiener. He was raged today, while I as always am just a pacifist, and a plain peaceful person. I am this way particually on days when we have only one truck. The District Manger, Bill explained a new process for shelving, that the whole team had to learn. We stood around in a circle, listening to the guy speak.
His wise words were,
"Its like going from shooting with a shotgun, to a pistol." = Easier to find.
"We get products from china, thousands of miles away, they get here, and some can't even make it out to the floor."
Yeah. Wiseguy, in the likable way. I never want to manage anything. I have very little self-respect, and rarely care to lend any to others, who don't show me the same.
- Mood:
blah
Hearing :
I would go empty, and become meaningless with out hearing words, with out listening to music.
Feeling:
There is nothing better than streaching out in a comfortable place, and feeling relaxed, and snug. Even though pain is bitch, I rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Taste:
I would eat anything, but be dissatisfied if I could never eat chocolate again.
Smelling:
I wouldn't mind losing my sense of smell. Never really cared for perfume, or sweat.
Sight:
Reality is devilish to me, when I am exisitng in my alter ego but this world is to big and I couldn't bare not seeing plenty of it, or just knowing that the possiblity lay there.
So sense of smell.
When I went into today, I took my first box off the rollers, (where boxes move from truck to store) and thought it to be a food box, but a co-worker was quick to inform me, it was a box ment for the infant department. My boss laughed, saying, "You've just begun and you've made a mistake already."
The box was labeled with a number that to me equals grocery, as well as to every one else, but since it was a gerber food, it has to be considered infant. No big deal. Bob walked out of the truck today, and we all thought he was going to break early. Boss wasn't around, so that's what we figured. When he came back two mins later, we realized he had gone to the bathroom, with out implying that. It kept us guessing and laughing at the same time. Oil spilled where truck meets store, and I had to walk around it constantly, to grab all the boxes that kept falling off the rollers. There were a lot more than usual. We have one truck tonight, which always means I have to work a deptmart for until lunch, but that's only after the first truck is done. While bring over an r-cart, I spilled tomato sauce in the grocery depmart today. LOL. It took me forever to clean it up, which gave reason for a co-worker, to bring over the rest of the r-carts. It was nice of him, but hurt feelings because he is an old guy, and I felt guilty for not being able to do the work in the time alloted. It took me next to an hour to clean up the entire mess. It was just that bad. LOL
I cleaned that up, and instead of smoking, which I quite over the last three days I have had off, I played Brain age, soduko in my car, on NDS.
I quite smoking the other week, but started up again, after I was written up by a head manger for slacking off. It is a rather complecated story, that is very long, but I felt falsly accused. I informed a higher pay grade manager of this, and found out to my dismay after waiting two days to hear from the big boss, nothing at all. Therefore, I have accepted the taint on my record, and will continue to live my life. It wasn't like I was fired, so no real loose to me. I always work my butt off. I get paid less than the rest of the guys I work with, and still do just as much work as they do. I should be entilted to slack off every once in awhile, but do not permit my self to fall for any opportunity of sort.
ANyways, I started smoking after that ordeal, and have forgotten about it mostly, so quite again, and will not fall back on tobacco as a resolution to emotion miseries ever again. I should have never even started smoking in the first place. As a smoker, I had become popular outside smoking, where few (2-4) co-workers all would gather too chat, but not me anymore. Minus me out of that picture, co-workers. I get to eat inside, where no one is...
Yes, smoking is bad for you, but so is not socializing. After puffing my last breath of white tobbaco, I had made my final descion, and will stick with it.
At around 11:15 Evan asked me to go stock paper products. I did it once and thought it miserable, but tonight I liked it a little more than before. Asian rap-lover dude helped me stock, and time flew by. That was my day.
I found these pictures interesting tonight....
www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26487020/displaymod
- Mood:
indifferent
After three days off, and really doing nothing but playing world of warcraft, I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I am exhausted at 6 am in the morning. Insomnia has gotten a hold on me. Tomorrow is going to be miserable. I have only a couple bucks left to keep me till thursday. I had to pay a 360 bill last week, so now I am low on the cash. It makes life hard when you don't go enough to even buy lunch. I am shit out of luck, or money. I think the two can be one in the same. Will see if tomorow that money shitness turns into a bad day.
I am practally a hobo. I will have to think up better ways to save my money, and do things finacially proper.
My stomach ache went away sat. morning. I was worried it was a disease or something, but it vanish, so no worries here.
- Mood:
rejected
O, crap I almost forgot. I saw one of my friends, who I used to ride the bus with shopping a distance away from me. She was pregnant, and I was pulling freaking hair products to their department. I thought that girl was going to be so better off. She is a year younger than me, and that is really kind of young to have a child. She was wearing all black, and her stomach was as big as watermelon on steroids. She the skinniest girl I knew. She was shaking a can of blue paint, for her babies room, I would guess. It's fucked up how the paths of fate cross so randomly. It almost makes me think, a comedian wrote the plan for the universe out. I was laughing for a while after seeing her, (it sounds cruel, but it wasn't really at her) because I thought she would go somewhere in life, unlike me. She was almost an honor student, where I wasn't even close. Now she is headed into parenthood, and things don't seem that bad for me. I guess i was just laughing at the way the cards are dealt that's all, and plus she was a slutty freshmen when I knew her, so I guess that could also be the reason for my chuckles.
O_o
- Mood:
sick
When I was maybe five years old, I was sleeping on a run down too small sofa in an 100 year old apartment living room. I woke up, turned over, and saw this mass of shadow. It wasn't the shadow that scared me, but instead the face above the shadows dark body. It was a face of a man, he was wearing a hat. There was no color whatsoever. At seeing this I screamed at the top of my lungs. I never learned anything about ghosts, and had no clue what the thing could possibly be. Now I think what I saw was either a hallucination, or a shadow being.
The other night, I had this wierd dream like hallucanation that a blanketed creature, all black, with big eyes that were black centered surround by one glowing green circle each, stood 3feet from the floor. If you have watched Nickolodeon, it looked like Blue, some wierd cartoon I watched on a show with my Niece once, but this thing's body was black. To the sides of it appeared to be glowing green scales. They were rectangular. The being scared me at first, I did not shout though. I have learned to stop fearing unknowns that may come show themselfs to me.
I decided I would search the net for pictures of anything close to what I saw. If found will post them here later.
When it comes to ghost's that's it. I don't commit to the belief in them, rather just accept it as a possiblity.
- Mood:
crazy
I woke up early again. Parent was talking on the phone (I think I need ear plugs), for an hour. I followed my usual agenda, and went to work feeling a little down but felt a flame inside. I had breaded chicken for lunch, with a side of stuffing, and some corn. The dessert was a nice heapping piece of the green cake I had yesterday.
I'd prefer to write an overview of all the important things that happened today, instead of a play by play, like I have for the last two days. Change things up a little.
Mittens (nrn) threw up at work, in the grocery dep. and was sent home early, leaving five of us to handle the 2,400 pieces that came off the truck tonight. Subsequently, I was over in pets again. The guy who worked with me the other night wasn't there, but Roy was. Today he stood on a ladder, and changed signs around. "Unbeatable," was the logo, above the prices. Yeah...?
I found moth balls for some old black woman. I took an l-cart filled with H&Ba products tossed the boxes off of it and used that for pets. Later on, my boss was subtly upset about this. Sublty, because he is never clear about when he is angered. I like that in the sense that he doesn't have a temper, or get mad about anything, but I don't like it in the sense that he is too shady about his real ideas, and judgements. He is the supervisor and needs to base his job instructions, as well as disapproves with clairity. His subtle approach to asking me to bring the cart back I respected, and followed through. It was a lazy asshole kind of thing for me to do, and I shouldn't do it again.
I was tricked out by a co-worker who was pulling a pallet side ways. At first I thought it was extra large, for some reason, and then he turned it around. How exciting.
I did a couple claims they were
1. Orange and white bottle of Neutrogena Shampoo.
2. Blueberry muffin scented candles.
1. Pumpkin scented candle.
and a couple of light bulbs, some of which were tainted Amber. (made by Ge.)
On my last break I was outside, sitting next to Ivy, and a girl walked by and asked if I had an extra cig. "No go get your fucking own you stupid whore," is what I told her.
>_<
Got you didn't I?
No what I actually said was, "yep." Gave her one, and she thanked me and I said, "sure." Two words spoken. How pitfull I am. She was pretty and I could have talked to her more. She lite it up, and Instead of sitting next to me, she sat on the curb. I didn't expect a conversation as compensation for my loss of Tobacco, but I wouldn't have minded talking to such a good-looking chick. I guess my short words, threw her attention to the road. :(
That's okay. There are billions of fish in the sea. I used a worm to catch one before, worked great. (stupid try at a joke)
It was a good day, because after work I felt great. It was an easy night, and things couldn't have gone much better. I thank the great universe for days like these. Other days, I can be wishing the universe did not exist. In the midst of those days, I have massive paronia. I had a slight chill of it this morning. My mom came over and started smiling, and laughing in my face. It creeped me the fuck out. Not because it was a random thing to do, but for a reason much deeper. I have never figured out why the universe exists other than what science has taught me, and sometimes my mind likes to pop out this hatered for not knowing the meaning of all things. So instead of just going with the illusion (or just life) of life it fights back and makes me think it all makes no fucking sense whatsoever. It is a single thought that goes something like, "Wtf x10 million." It doesn't make me angry as some would assume. It gives me cold chills of terror, and I flee from them. When I go with the illusion more, when I accept things just for being the way they are, for no reason behind it all, than I feel happy. But when I don't want to accept, when I deny this reality, and appelate it as something impossibly contrasting to the great nothing, I think nothing should really exist, instead of all these freaking somethings, that is when I feel low. That's the only mental confliction I really have in life. All other conflictions I face headed on, and with strength swim through them like air. Fear of spiders, puff gone. Anger, pinch gone.
That's it for tonight. Let it be a good night and an amazing tomorrow.
- Mood: grateful
If you were stranded on an island with a fictional character, who would it be and why? Submitted By |
Fyi:
I don't like harry potter at all, but I do like his magical powers.
The first thing I did when I woke up this morning, was jump in the shower. It was a nice way to fully get my dusty eyes open. After figiting with my laptop, after the shower, I went down stairs to have my morning meal of ceral. The kitchen is passed the living room, and the stairs connect to the living room. It is a very simple set up, and there are no fancy designs anywhere in the entire town house. My mom greeted me as she always does in the morning. I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't that hungry yet I could wait. Something had caught my attention. I sat down on the bottom steps, that face the living room, and picked up the black electric guitar leaning against the living room's white wall. I strummed on it for awhile, and than walked into the kitchen, and found a plate of Ziti's prepared for me. I had two plate fulls, and after eating them looked in the refrig to find a green iced cake. I deleved into that, and my stomach was content. The day went on I figited with my computer till a little before 3 and then started where I left off in the book, "Renegade." I think I am on page 116/269 it will take me several more days to read it. I only read the book right before I go to work.
It was early when I pulled out of the drive way today. I had to make a stop at Citigo. There I filled my tank with 40ty dollars of gas, and grabbed pack of cigs. (I will be quitting them, again soon)
Before I knew it, I had bought a cola (as I do everday) and punched into work. Darnell at work screamed my name at hearing me come around the corner. He was wearing an unusual blue stripped shirt. He is a reverse albanio, so his skin is really dark. He has this eye proble, I think it is astigmitism. While I was wokring, I kept stepping on a worn out piece of pallet, that I almost feel through. :)
Darn had stacked half a grocery cart, like a rookie, and said it was finished. He brought it back to grocery later on in the day. See, I work in the G.M. we unload trucks that have grocery on them. We are than required to bring those items to the other side of the store. Not an easy task. The store has to be about a half a mile across. When you have to take care of seven carts, it kills your legs that night, as mine are now. Thankfully I am laying down and don't feel the pain as much. Six o'clock came around and I bought my 2 dollar and forty five cent piece of pizza at Blimpies.
I went outside and smoked, no one was out there. I don't really think any thing signtificant happened to day in my life. It just went by really quick, and I can't remember any good, deep details. I did unpack boxes in the pet department with a co-worker a year younger than me. His company (Mark Nrn) made things more fun than working alone.
Special kitty, red packaged fell on the floor. Helped a woman find a pop-open closest, stored near luggage. Talked to Roy about the fish stored in the back. He brought up evolution, by saying he was looking at a family album while gazing into the tanks. He is an odd-ball, but a good guy on the outside. Inside I know he has a lot of deep rooted secreats, of flith and immoralism. He's old, and complains about his life constantly. I don't. I live with it. Bad karma and all. No one was working domesitics tonight, so I worked it for a moment. That was right before I left. I have two more days of work, and then three days off. I like work more than sitting on my computer all day. The only thing I don't like about work, are the physical sideffects.
That's all I have to write tonight. I hope my layouts are improving, well I know they are. That's what they do with a little bit of work.
- Mood:determined
So here is what I did today.
My parent woke me up at 10 thrity. It was hollaring on the phone, upstairs, which is where my bedroom is. My door to the room was open, and I could hear nothing but its bitching. I woke up, and turned on my laptop to play my new favorite P.C game. It is an RPG, and kills time.
By 1 I was dressed and ready to go to work, but I don't have to leave till 3:30 everday, so I wrote awhile, and afterwards read a book. Can't remember the title, but it is a decent book, filled with fantasy, but it is not all that great. Will post the title of the book tomorrow, and down the road give a summary of it.
So the time finally arrived, I was pulling out of the drive way, in my 1997 car, headed to work. The roads where clear, and as I turned off the turnpike, Distrubed, down with the sickness came on. That song is death metal, but I like it. At work I sat outside, in smokers cubby, next to Yada. Yada (nrn) is an Afirican american, and white. She is overweight, and her back is crooked. Her hair is a combed down long afro, that is tangled with beads. She is one of the kindst people I have ever meet, her father is the same way. Kind hearted, warm, and accepting.
She called her boyfriend, who blocked her at first, than she got a call back from him, and I was out of there. I walked into my Nevada Hill supermarket, and punched in early. My job is to unload trucks. I walked into the back of G.M. and Joe (nrn) an oldish short guy, ex-millarty, requested that I take grocery filled carts over to the grocery department. I did that, there was six of them. When I was finished, the truck was still being unloaded, so I helped put boxes where they need be (will not go into the process tonight). Bob screamed at me, when I went over to his side, to grab him a pallet for dep. 12. I told him how he was "Forfieting my efforts," which would cause me to get into more trouble, than already am (another story). I pretty much walked away with my tail between my legs, because Bob is a big-old guy, and reminds me of a gray grizzly bear. I asked Don, my supervisor if the issue with my prime manager (Evan) had been resolved. He told me, he had no clue, and I told him, that the store manager (Jason) was supposed to get back to me "today." He nodded the talk off, and told me what to do. I had to go to dep. 8 and work frate there.
I took my brake at six, and had pizza at blimpies. The guy who works there was sweeping with a red and black broom, and the girl worker, was in the back changing the trash. The pizza was pepperoni, and tasted like well made pizza. I ate it outside, sitting across from a co-worker Jason (Rn, not manger). There was also this guy with soul patch, and cap sitting outthere waiting for his wife to come out of the store. He works there, but wasn't that day. He was shopping. THe wife returned, and the two drove away with their two children in the back of their aqua green car. I watched Jason get up and go to his car, leaving me with the flies and the last few bites of pizza. This chuby girl who I do not know came up and sat across from me, with a bananna, for her treat. She slicks her hair back, like they did in the 50's, and is hispanic. I asked her, "You think it's going to rain?" She guessed, as did I, and than I told her about how I always leave my window open in the car, so I get soaked as soon as I sit, and how the door vent on the side had became rusted after being in those conditions for so long.
It was funny, but I had to get back to work. I rolled up the windows in my car first, and parked closer to the enterence, and threw out cola bottle (I drink lots of soda....) I got when I walked into the break room, before I punched in for the day, than finally I was back on the clock.
I did pets for a while, and some woman was looking for a tie out leash for her little dog. I had no idea how to help her, but she found what she needed on her own, so I felt less stupid than I could have felt. A guy, not Roy (nrn) was working over in pets. I had to take a overstock R-cart to the back, because the morning shift left it out there. Sigh...
I took my lunch early, and the night dragged on. Now I am just really tried, and will fall asleep...zzz
The one thing I get nervous around, are beautiful women. I am learning to build my self confidance so I don't have to deal with the 'head over heels' feeling that comes over me so often. I feel like I should bow in reverence, but I realize I don't have to be overcome by awe in their presences, instead I realize that appearence is a put-on(or that is what I tell myself at least). The skimpy dresess, the tight clothes, the makeup, and the hair-dos, are just layers of self-confidance. Its called the pea-cock effect. Beautiful women are trying to make guys fall head over heels for them in one look, that's how they feel good about themselves. But guys we don't have to feel less about ourselves when giving beautiful women attention. "Sure she's beautiful," we can think, but its a shroud. If you want to respect a woman you have to think of them like chocolate candies, no matter how deliscious any piece of chocolate may look on the outside, inside, in the heart, is what matters the most. A beautiful personality can change how the world acts, where apprail can only change how the human world looks.
A good example of this is what they do in Africa, is give kids new clothes, take pictures of them, and post them up forsale to us Americans. We know well enough, deep inside, that just because some one is wearing something doesn't make them who they are. As soon as a guy or even a girl notices that the pea-cock effect is there for show, the nervous overcommings diminish.
- Mood:
contemplative
Today was my day-off from work. Being my day off from work, I shouldn't have to write about work at all, but instead what I did today.
So... this a recap of all the things I did, that I can remember:
It was about 12:30 in the afternoon, and I woke up with a scream. My brother was standing casually in the room, right next to my bed. He had walked in through the open door, took two steps, and was just standing there, watching me sleep. He was wearing his boxers only, which added to the horror. He is younger than me, and in his teen years. Why was he there? Well the other night I had asked him to be partake in an experiment I will not go into here, but it has to do with being aware of the world while asleep. So after he scared most of the tiredness out of me, I turned over and slowly woke up. Soon enough I opened my laptop, and faced another day. I sat in front of the computer for several hours, in bed, than went down stairs and grabbed a grilled hamburger my parent made. I ate it. Though it was slightly burnt it was enjoyable. I left the dish downstairs that had corn on it. Corn probably got thrown out. I went back to playing a computer game, and smoked a few cigs every once in awhile. I started smoking again, for reasons I will not mention here. I don't like smoking, and will quite soon. When that day comes I will write all about that habit.
**
It was about 4 o'clock and I was getting hungry, and also thirsty. So I went downstairs to get soda, but there wasn't any. I looked for my chocolaty glazed donuts, that I had bought a few days back but they were GONE. All the food in the house, I thought was there had vanished.
I worked a couple days in a row, and my brother and parent were home most of that time, eating, while I was out eating at locations close to my occupational work place. Me starving is not good. I gave my parent a large sum of money to go out and buy food, and that sum also paid for a monthly bill i have to pay. The two went shopping, and I stayed home. I don't like being seen with those duefuces. They are irrational, and wear what ever, were, you see, I am stable minded, physically fit, and like to be fashionable. I am always the odd one out when it comes to the appearances, and the thinking. I got my freaking Pepsi, and drank a bunch. I have 22 empty cans of it on my floor. LOL. I want to make a nice metal rug from them, take a picture of it, and be like, "Yes I did that!" It's funny, so I'll do it, as long as my parent doesn't clean my room, like i have told it many times not to!!!!
I clean my room once a week. I turn on some music, go around the small space, and pick up clothes, and garbage that I should have taken care of immediately. I only have one thing in my room, besides a curtain, a tote, and a closet. I know what it is, and readers know what it is. That's all I have, that's it. I don't have to clean out a dresser, or fiddle with Tv plugs, or a book case. I have little to do to keep my self busy, when it comes to chores around the house. (Reverse the clause)
The night is nearly over. I write this at 3 am, and have to wake up by 12 tomorrow, to go to work. The rest of my day was bland, and filled with more computer entertainment, like it is every day. One reason why I love my job so much, is that I don't have to live a life feeling like I have nothing to do, or achieve.
Good night, and I hope I as well as my readers always have pleasant dreams.
- Mood: content
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